Gather around, children, and I will tell you the real story of the first Thanksgiving. You won’t find this one in any history books. Probably. If you do, you should get your money back.
A long time ago, before Columbus directed such notable films as Home Alone and Adventures in Babysitting, he set sail to the New World on his three ships, the Mayflower, the Titanic and the Andrea Dorian Gray. He had hoped to discover a shorter route to Hollywood. Instead, he landed on the eastern coast of what is now referred to as the rest of the United States.
Running low on supplies and facing a mutiny from his screenwriters, he established a colony. In this strange new land, the settlers were faced with many challenges: wardrobe shortages, poor quality catering, and witches.
Fearing a harsh winter and an increasing tax burden, Columbus sent his two bravest and most expendable scouts, Lewis and Clark, on a Westward trek to find the fabled city of cornchips, El Dorito. Of course, you know this expedition as the Donner Party, which was named after the lead reindeer pulling their toboggan.
Lacking even rudimentary GPS, Lewis and Clark quickly wandered off course and ended up in Louisiana, where they made a purchase. History does not record the exact details of this “Louisiana Purchase,” but what we do know is that neither explorer returned with any Mardi Gras beads. Draw your own conclusions.
It looked like all hope was lost for the settlement. They had no funds left with which to pay their cable bills, and had to resort to witch trials as a form of entertainment. This activity quickly got out of hand and eventually became what we know today as reality television.
Finally taking pity on the plight of these newcomers, the Cleveland Indians helped the colonists relocate to Ohio. To show their thanks, Columbus and his crew introduced the game of football to the New World.
Every November since, we have set aside a day to give thanks for the invention of football, celebrating with a feast and a nap. The traditional entree is turkey. This bird got its name from an epithet critics used to describe some of Columbus’ less successful films.
And THAT is the real story of the birth of a great American tradition. Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving!