Writing and OCD. Writing and OCD.

When I was 12 or 13, things started getting weird.  I had to do everything an even number of times. I started worrying about germs a lot. I worried about what other people were thinking about me. I worried, period. I began to over-analyze EVERYTHING. Including my tendency toward over-analysis. I did not want to touch anyone or be touched. I did not know what was going on. I was ashamed. It wasn’t until years later, reading Howard Stern’s book ‘Private Parts’, that I realized that I was not the only one who did these things and felt this way. That there was even a name for it. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Since then, things have gotten better. I don’t worry about even numbers really. Germs are still an issue. I have come to terms with the fact that I think very differently than most people. Self-medication worked from about age 17-22, but it almost killed me. I even tried medication from the doctor. That did kill me. It took away the OCD, but it also changed my personality. I didn’t realize this at the time.  In hindsight, while I might have been ‘happier’, I like being me…germphobia and all.

A friend suggested I write about writers and OCD. Instead, I will write about one writer (me) and OCD. Otherwise, I might have to do research or other distasteful things like interview real germy people and shake their hands and…you get the idea.

I also had an interesting conversation with a colleague of mine. We were both teachers. I remarked to her that all the good teachers I have ever known have been weird. Weird in different ways, but weird nonetheless. Eccentric. Neurotic. We both share the affliction of having overactive minds. I think about a million things all the time and it is tiring. She suggested that good teachers are weird because, when you are teaching (well), you are engaged in the moment completely. There is no room for the myriad thoughts that swarm like mosquitos most of the time. I think she is on to something. It would explain why I like fishing (‘zen’ concentration) and motorcycles (‘don’t want to die’ concentration). But I digress, let’s talk about writing.

Writing fits this pattern. When I am writing, I am not thinking about anything else. Not even thinking about writing, really. I enter a weird detached state. It is quite soothing. There is also the issue of control. Part of OCD, for me, is fear of the things I can’t control, i.e. germs. And the compulsions that help me feel like I do have some bit of control. Washing my hands a million times a day. The counting I used to do. Etc. Writing is a great way of being in control. When I am writing fiction, I am God. I control my characters. I control the plot. It is my world. (This is not completely true, but I convince myself it is.) Regardless, writing gives me two things that my OCD craves…control and escape. Without being hung over or strung out…and without fundamentally changing my personality.

OCD is an interesting affliction. My wife always says that she could never have OCD because she can’t remember things long enough to obsess about them. I remember everything. Or at least the non-important things…like to check the stove twice before I leave the house (the number thing isn’t totally gone I guess). But that is the real bitch of the disorder. People who have OCD realize it makes no logical sense. I know that most people don’t think about germs all the time and live happy and productive lives. There are people who are afraid to write anything down because they might write something ‘bad’ in the middle of what they are writing. When I had to turn the lights on and off 16 times before bed, I knew it was ridiculous, but by performing the compulsion, it eased the pain of the obsession. It is a weird position to be in. You know what you are doing is ridiculous, but the ridiculous action (whatever it is) scratches the itch that will otherwise keep you up all night.

OCD is related to Tourettes, and this makes perfect sense to me. Screaming profanities in public is frowned upon. Being so worried about doing it that you end up doing it makes sense. My wife laughs when people hurt themselves. My friend Kyle laughs at funerals. They are both extraordinarily nice people, but they KNOW they shouldn’t laugh. They want to not laugh so badly that they end up doing it. I get it.

I think a lot of people have minor OCD tendencies and don’t realize it. When my wife and I started dating I would come over to her apartment, take my shoes off by the door and go upstairs. When it was time to leave, they would be neatly lined up next to each other. No big deal. I am no one to judge. So, next time I lined my shoes up neatly. It took a couple times for me to realize that when I left them reversed (right shoe on the left side), they would be ‘corrected’ when I left. I asked about it. Turns out my wife can’t see shoes like that and not imagine mangled limbs. I get it.

One of the nice things about having OCD is that I don’t judge other people for their ‘quirks’. Everybody has something. I know a lot of writers and a lot of them carry hand sanitizer everywhere they go. It makes perfect sense. In a world that is scary (OCD is the fight or flight response gone haywire), what better way to deal with your OCD issues than by retreating to a world where you can control everything and your mind is 100% occupied by the task at hand. This post ended up a little longer than I had planned. It is time to go back to the real, dirty world now. But writing will be waiting for me.  And that knowledge gives me more strength than booze or Paxil ever did.

This article first appeared on my blog ‘Avoiding the Stairs’ on 10-8-11.

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JD Mader is a Contributing Author for Indies Unlimited and author of the novels ‘Joe Cafe’ and ‘The Biker’ – co-author of the mighty ‘Bad Book’ (available here). For more information, please see the IU Bio page and his blog: www.jdmader.com.

 

Author: JD Mader

JD Mader is an award winning short story writer and novelist. 'Joe Café' and 'The Biker' are out now, as well as 'Please, no eyes'. and the collaborative 'Bad Book'. Mader has been writing for half his life and has no plans on stopping any time soon. Learn more about JD Mader at his blog and his Amazon author page.

28 thoughts on “Writing and OCD. Writing and OCD.”

  1. I get that the meds were worse than the syndrome. As for quirks, I hear voices … always have… and no I am not insane. 😉 Plus I have extra sensitive directional hearing.

    As for carrying hand-sanitizer, I had to start when I became ill. I had real physical problems with germs because my meds keep my immune system in check (I have one of those auto-immune disease). I wish I could go back to the days before I had to become a germaphobe.

  2. I'm glad your OCD is under some sort of control now. I agree that a lot of people do have a form of it to a lesser degree. I'm totally with you in the hand sanitizer, I use it all the time. There is a lady at my local supermarket checkout who always appears to have a cold. I will queue at another till behind 10 people before go to hers! I feel bad about it ( not that much) but I can actually visualise gazillions of germs coming out of her when she breathes or sneezes! That is all. 😉

    1. I also carry a latex glove in my back pocket. Started with diaper changes. Now, well, I don't care if people look at me weird…. 😉

  3. I think you're 100% right about it being a control issue. It's nearly impossible for me to have one of my all-too-common panic attacks when submerged in a fictional world of my creation.

  4. I know your post is about your journey with OCD & the your writing, but reading this post the second time around, what struck me was when you said that you read Howard Stern's book and realized you weren't alone.

    I had a similar experience of having a book from an unlikely writer, make a difference to me. When my mom was in hospice in 1992, dying from lung cancer, there wasn't much I could do but sit at her beside. In their little library they had a copy of Joan Rivers' book "Still Talking" where she talked about her husband's suicide. There was something in that book about her disbelief and anger at him, that resonated with me and helped calm me through those long waiting hours.

    Sometimes we never know where we'll find strength – but such is the power of the written word.

  5. I don't have OCD but I know someone who does and it can be debilitating. You are so fortunate that your wife understands and /accepts/ you as you are. Then again I think any significant other who can accept their partner, as they are instead of as they would like them to be, is someone to be treasured!

  6. I can't believe some of the rotten stuff I've gotten through just because I've been able to dissolve into writing. Thank you for sharing your story, Dan. You've made more than a few people feel less alone.

  7. Totally relate. At regular intervals, I wipe my laptop down with an alcohol wipe I swiped from work. When I write, the right music has to be playing and I light an incense stick. If the ambience isn't stirring the Muses, I know today isn't a good day to die (or write, excuse the Klingon proverb). Then the voices start and they take over and I have to write, to stop my leg from jiggling or my hands twitching. Then I'm no longer here, I'm in 'the zone' which feels a little like an outer-body experience. Bliss…

  8. There was no name for OCD when I was a child. It wasn't even a "problem without a name." It just wasn't ever mentioned, unless in stumbling upon a psychoanalysis textbook, perhaps. Mine weren't why I stayed home from school as often as possible, but soon came to aid this.

    I do question that the thoughts/actions "have no reason" when we do them–that we "know they're absurd." But perhaps this has been only my own experience.

    I've heard OCD is somewhat protective against schizophrenia–or at least that those with one don't get both–but perhaps this just speaks to how diagnoses are funded.

    The connections among sensitive hearing, sensitive nervous system generally, high intelligence, autism, OCD–and schizophrenia?–start to seem obvious, don't they?

    1. I definitely think they are all related. I watched a TED video of a schizophrenic professor the other day. Some of it sounded real familiar.

  9. p.s. I don't feel in control, writing, when the writing's going well; in fiction, the characters, the flow, the tale is in control, rather.

  10. Interestingly, my last recurrence of ME has left me with mild OCD and it's been a disaster for my writing, lol. I get confused and can't think straight if anything is out of place so I spend a lot more time tidying up than I do getting any writing done. 😉

  11. I don't have OCD, but I suppose PTSD is somewhere in the general vicinity. Maybe. It sucks. Writing is the only way I know how to channel the nightmares into something I can deal with on a conscious basis. And, on the subject of hand sanitizer, waitressing has made me a firm carrier of the stuff.

    (I don't like sticky things.)

    1. Yeah, I hated that when I was waiting tables, too. We are all very lucky that we can write the conflict away to a certain extent. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't create something.

  12. Thank you, JD, for enlightening all of us. Finally dawn has begin to break over disorders that have brought teasing, torment and shame to those suffering from them.

    Be strong, write on.

    1. You too, brother. If this helps even one person, I am happy. I used to have OCD and overwhelming shame. Now, I just have OCD.

  13. I don't have OCD but my son has a mild form of it, mostly excessive hand-washing. I used to try to slow him down as his hands got so raw. Now, as he no longer lives at home, I just take a quick look when I see him. It seems to be subsiding. i guess marriage agrees with him, much to my relief. Thanks for sharing.

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