12 Secret Meanings of Beta Reader Lingo

dictionary-wideIt is said we find the truth we seek. That makes it very easy to look at feedback and see it as glowingly positive when the reader may actually be trying to tell us something else. Here are a few common phrases used by readers and what they might really mean:

1. The story was absorbing.
I used your book to clean up something I spilled.
2. It moved along very quickly.
I skipped over quite a bit of this drivel.
3. The writing was accessible.
The author’s vocabulary is very limited.
4. The plot dynamics were intricate.
It may be time to up the author’s medication.
5. The characters were instantly relatable.
We all know boring people.
6. The style was captivating.
You know, like a train wreck you can’t help but stare at.
7. The dialogue was gritty and real.
This author knows a lot of bad words.
8. It’s easy for the reader to become immersed.
Swallowed up by a whirlpool of convoluted sentences.
9. I wondered how everything would be wrapped up.
It should be wrapped up, set on fire, and stomped out with golf cleats.
10. The ending was very satisfying.
So relieved this is over.
11. It left me wanting more.
More plot, better dialogue, better characters…
12. I am looking forward to the author’s next book.
It has GOT to be better than this one.

When authors throw a wobbly…

jelly2If you had told me four years ago that I would be reviewing books on a regular basis, I might have looked at you as if you had suddenly sprouted a rainbow-coloured big toe on your head. Me? A book reviewer? You’re havin’ a larf!

But, reviewing is what I started to do. It marked the beginning of my ‘deep and meaningful’ (relationship) with my new Kindle three years ago. Well, my first Kindle. I’ve divorced six and am on my seventh now. (Don’t ask.) Zsa Zsa Gabor has got competition, let me tell you. Continue reading

Book Vetter

Book VetterThe best thing about self-publishing is that anyone can do it.
The worst thing about self-publishing is that anyone can do it
– Anonymous

I’ve yet to see anyone describe the perceived issue better than this anonymous commenter on my blog. The rise of a viable means of self-publishing has given anyone who wants to bypass the traditional gatekeepers and put their work out there a way to do so. Books that deserved to make it past the gatekeepers, but might not have in the past for reasons of marketability or just bad luck, are now getting a shot at finding their audience. But many also perceive a downside. In the past a reader could pick up a random book at their local bookseller or bring up a book’s page at their favorite online retailer, read the blurb, possibly check out the first few paragraphs, and if the story appealed to them they could purchase it with the assurance that all aspects of the book would almost always meet some minimum quality standard. Continue reading

Real Writers Have Thick Skins

Walk it offYou don’t have to spend a lot of time on social media to see plenty of examples of jackassery. This is not especially true of authors, but authors are people, so it is just as true of authors. Seldom does a day go by that we are not exposed to some kind of little drama – petulance, whining, back-biting, or fervent appeals to action over some imagined injustice. What a buzzkill.

When ignorance (don’t know) combines with apathy (don’t care) and arrogance (I’m special), you really have the makings of mega-drama. One of two things is usually at the center when this vitriolic mixture bubbles up to the surface. Either some author did not like a review they just got, or somebody’s book or guest post got turned down. Continue reading

New from Kindle Publisherers: E-Blackmail for your Reviewing Needs!

e-blackmail

We here at Kindle Publisherers are excited and thrilled and excited to offer our select clientele a new service for their anti-promotional needs: E-Blackmail!

Now we all know the one thing that both traditionally-published and independently-published authors agree upon:  Reviews are hard to get! And good reviews are even harder to get! But bad reviews, heck, you can shake a stick and they come a-runnin’.

For only $19.99, Kindle Publisherers, using our super-secret Amazon account, Publishererus, will leave you a glowing five-star review! Our talented and semi-literate reviewers will even read your book’s entire description so folks won’t be able to tell it’s a paid review. You’ll get a full TWENTY (20) word review! That’s less than a dollar a word! You can’t beat that! Not without the possibility of a long stay in prison, anyway.

For our special, special customers, those people we feel should be a part of the Kindle Publisherers Family, we have an even better deal. When we notice your book on Amazon, we’ll send you our special offer: $19.99 or our talented and on-parole reviewers will leave you a review. We’re not saying it’ll be a five-star, but it might. Just send up the $19.99, and you’ll find out.

And don’t worry if you don’t have the money in your advertising budget! We’ll send you another e-mail the next day! We know we want you as one of our wonderful customers! And for $29.99, we’ll make sure you get a good review on your book. We won’t forget you! We’ll continue to email you every day for a week until you finally pay up! Remember, if you pay on day 7, the cost of our valued service goes up to the incredibly cheap sum of $499.99! Think of all the return-on-investment you’ll get with a review for that kind of money!

Much like the telephone company, even if you don’t pay, we’ll still make you part of our cherished family. We’ll have Marco, who just got out of San Quentin after spending ten years in for a crime he didn’t commit, write a glowing and radiant review. He listens to a lot of death metal and Carole King, so he’s a bit on the depressed side, and sometimes it shows in his work. But don’t worry: On Amazon, you can’t actually leave a review with NO stars, so embrace that star with the love it deserves!

So remember: If you get an email from the Kindle Publisherers E-Blackmail Service, now you know that it’s your key to a golden pathway to literary success! A map to a golden doorway of pride!

Just send us the money! Or not! We’ll do the rest!