We here at Kindle Publisherers are excited and thrilled and excited to offer our select clientele a new service for their
anti-promotional needs: E-Blackmail!
Now we all know the one thing that both traditionally-published and independently-published authors agree upon: Reviews are hard to get! And good reviews are even harder to get! But bad reviews, heck, you can shake a stick and they come a-runnin’.
For only $19.99, Kindle Publisherers, using our super-secret Amazon account, Publishererus, will leave you a glowing five-star review! Our talented and semi-literate reviewers will even read your book’s entire description so folks won’t be able to tell it’s a paid review. You’ll get a full TWENTY (20) word review! That’s less than a dollar a word! You can’t beat that! Not without the possibility of a long stay in prison, anyway.
For our special, special customers, those people we feel should be a part of the Kindle Publisherers Family, we have an even better deal. When we notice your book on Amazon, we’ll send you our special offer: $19.99 or our talented and on-parole reviewers will leave you a review. We’re not saying it’ll be a five-star, but it might. Just send up the $19.99, and you’ll find out.
And don’t worry if you don’t have the money in your advertising budget! We’ll send you another e-mail the next day! We know we want you as one of our wonderful customers! And for $29.99, we’ll make sure you get a good review on your book. We won’t forget you! We’ll continue to email you every day for a week until you finally pay up! Remember, if you pay on day 7, the cost of our valued service goes up to the incredibly cheap sum of $499.99! Think of all the return-on-investment you’ll get with a review for that kind of money!
Much like the telephone company, even if you don’t pay, we’ll still make you part of our cherished family. We’ll have Marco, who just got out of San Quentin after spending ten years in for a crime he didn’t commit, write a glowing and radiant review. He listens to a lot of death metal and Carole King, so he’s a bit on the depressed side, and sometimes it shows in his work. But don’t worry: On Amazon, you can’t actually leave a review with NO stars, so embrace that star with the love it deserves!
So remember: If you get an email from the Kindle Publisherers E-Blackmail Service, now you know that it’s your key to a golden pathway to literary success! A map to a golden doorway of pride!
Just send us the money! Or not! We’ll do the rest!