2013 in Preview

2012 is over and thank goodness—not exactly a prosperous year for many of us. For Christmas this year, I gave the grand-kids a couple of plastic scoops and told them the cat’s litter box was a buried treasure game. Not only were they disappointed, but it looks like I wasted a lot of time making the cat swallow all those nickels. Sigh.

But now it is time to look forward to the new year with my proprietary blend of hopeful optimism and innate revulsion at change. I have fired up the old crystal ball. Remember, I’m 90% right 50% of the time. Here is my list of predictions for the coming year:

1. Social Media
Facebook, Twitter, and Google Plus will merge into one giant social media platform, reaching tens of millions of the same people they were reaching before, except there will be even more annoying ads. The new Platform will be called Facetwiggle Plus. People will migrate en masse back to MySpace.

2. Amazon Policy Changes
Mounting pressure will force Amazon to reconsider the mass removal of reviews that occurred in 2012. However, they will determine in a new policy that the publisher and author of a book cannot be the same person, as this could represent some collusion or conflict. As a result, the reviews will be restored, but all self-published books will be removed. Amazon will not comment on the new policy.

3. Technology
2013 will see the launch of the Kindle 3D. It will look just like the letters are jumping off the screen at you. Later that day, they will wonder why anyone would want that and will recall the product. Nook will launch the Nook Shadowbox, an eReader with two holes in it for finger puppets. When the public discovers the finger puppets are sold separately, sales will plummet. Apple will release a new tablet, but nobody will be able to find it online because Microsoft Internet Explorer will have had enough of that by then and won’t take users to Apple sites.

4. Hot Trends
Researchers at M.I.T. discover a correlation between the number of an author’s initials and their book sales. As a result, K.S.S.S. Brooks becomes the first indie author to sell a billion copies of her book, The Mr. Pish Games. Later in the year, she will be outsold by J.A.A.A.A. Konrath’s trillion-selling book, How I Sold a Trillion Copies of My Book.

5. Big Publishing
Government anti-trust actions break up the Big Six publishing houses into twelve smaller publishing houses that later merge into six publishing houses. The government proclaims victory. Random McMillan and Penguin House offer no comment.

6. Smashwords
In mid-year, the Meatgrinder becomes self-aware and begins taking over the world. Due to an NCX error, it settles for just making out with Facetwiggle Plus for a couple of hours and then goes back to sleep. When it wakes up, it is covered with ads.

7. Brick and Mortar Book Stores
K.S.S.S. Brooks buys out Barnes and Noble, but sells off Nook to B. Dalton. Starbucks and B. Dalton partner to re-engineer the Nook into the first hybrid eReader and espresso maker. They are later sued out of existence by a little old lady who steamed her own lap while reading Return of the Revenge of the Curse of the Son of the Bride of 50 Shades, by E.L.L.L. James.

8. Sales and Marketing
Facetwiggle Plus takes over all sales and marketing for all products until D.V.V.V. Berkom and T.D.D.D. McKinnon discover the most effective advertising appears to be having your book’s title tattooed on a supermodel’s body. This practice is brought to a halt when a supermodel dies of ink poisoning while having Return of the Revenge of the Curse of the Son of the Bride of 50 Shades tattooed on her body.

Altogether, it looks like a pretty uneventful year. I mean, who couldn’t have seen all this coming? Seriously. Oh well, maybe 2014 will be more interesting.

Author: Stephen Hise

Stephen Hise is the Evil Mastermind and founder of Indies Unlimited. Hise is an independent author and an avid supporter of the indie author movement. Learn more about Stephen at his website or his Amazon author page.

48 thoughts on “2013 in Preview”

  2. Initila polling results find the disclaimer of 90%, 50% of the time was overrated by both Reuters and CNN. The new poles will shed light on this distrubing trend, and vow to uncover any and all illicit pollsters who failed to answer the questions correctly. Film at eleven. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

  3. Hilarious – well done, EM. I just wonder how right you’re going to be and how many of these predictions will come true 🙂

    1. If it helps, I am proud to point out that in 1972, a friend of mine told me that the very next year, it was rumored that gasoline might go to as high as fifty cents a gallon. To this, I responded, “People won’t PAY fifty cents a gallon for gasoline.”

      And, of course, I have been proven right. When was the last time you saw someone paying fifty cents a gallon for gasoline?

  4. Glad to see that your tongue is firmly imbedded in your cheek. For a while, you had me quite concerned. Best to everyone for a prosperous new year. My only resolution is to write MORE.

  7. Wow, how’d you know? Just a slight deviation, however, I’ve changed my nom de plum to K. S.x4 Brooks. It’s easier to type and takes up less room (save a tree, you know). So, any predictions for authors with numbers in their initials?

    Great post. I think the laughter reopened some shriveled dendrites. All Hail the Evil Mastermind!

    1. Ms. Brooks, you have once again revealed yourself to be ahead of the curve. The names with numbers were not supposed to become the rave until 2014!

  8. Love it! Sitting here eating my Aunt Mother’s Old-Fashioned Homemade Natural Organic Gourmet cookies!

  9. OK, my first laugh out loud of 2013, Thanks.

    M.Louisa Locke (now I know why I sold books last year, the initial. Got to start calling myself M. L. Locke see if it doubles my sales.)

  11. By the way, I have added you all to my Facetwiggle Plus Dodecahedron. You should see the notification between the ads about Dads (in your local area) going back to school, and the seven secrets doctors don’t want you to know about aging/losing weight/re-growing hair.

  12. Wonderful, laughing too loud and have woken the cat. Where does one get initials from? Maybe I should start a franchise, InitialsRUs…don’t go and add initials to your name yourself free of charge, I have a certified professional service which will add initials for you for the totally reasonable fee of $199.99. You even get a sticker for the front of your book attesting that your initials are professionally certified. Or something. 🙂

  13. Haha another really funny post to add to my Indies shrine….er, I mean, research collection, ahem. Happy New Year! Don’t forget to look out for this years worst seller; How NOT To Write A Good Book In One Easy Lesson by AVIT Carden. 🙂

  14. LOL, good ones. And the way around #2- we all create our OWN publishing companies. Why can’t I be K. Rowe (no, not using my middle initial) author and also Sturgeon Creek Publishing. Just don’t tell the mighty Zon that.

    I think this next year will see a lot of moving and shaking by Indie authors. We are set to storm the castle in grand fashion. Man the torpedoes, full speed ahead! Gotta make it across the moat first.

    All the best, everyone in 2103!

  15. “I gave the grand-kids a couple of plastic scoops and told them the cat’s litter box was a buried treasure game. Not only were they disappointed, but it looks like I wasted a lot of time making the cat swallow all those nickels. Sigh.”

    ROFL!!!!!!!

  17. GREAT LOL post to start the new year! Although, if the meatgrinder becomes self-aware (shudder), I’m moving in with random penguins

  19. Okay, see…lol!!! I was really gearing up and must admit I got one heck of a good laugh. The predictions here have a slight hand of a chance to come true just as a broken clock is right twice a day…so…Facetwiggle Plus anyone?

  21. Love it. If you can write this sort of posts, you can write books. About predictions. Which will sell. 90% of 50% of the time. LOL

    Have a brilliant new year!

    One-name-only Author 🙂

  24. Brilliant as usual, Stephen. What a great way to make us all laugh at the beginning of the year, but I think I will just go with the initials J.R.R.R.R. That way no one will know if I am a descendant of JRR Tolkein or JR Ewing…keep them guessing. You’re too funny for your own britches, me thinks, but I like it.

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